had an idea that I might need some help with this whole bird issue, so I put an ad on craigslist. got a response almost immediately and when I offered to meet them, found out they were already in the neighborhood! how convenient is that, saves me the cost of a bus ticket. anyways I met with them (there were two) and it turns out they were the squirrels I see out there everyday running the fencetops. said theyd heard about my predicament and wanted to be good neighbors and help.

first they gave me an instructional video to watch. it shows how to make a live bird trap. they said its important for me to catch it live cuz if its dead it would take longer to find out where it hid my jerky rawhide chewy treats. see, thats why you hire professionals, to get important insight like that. heres the instructional video:

said they had a plan worked up for me and went through and explained it, but it was really confusing so I asked them to go through it again. those squirrels talk so fast that im not entirely sure I fully understand every aspect but I didnt want to look foolish so I just nodded and told them it sounded good. near as I can figure, it goes something like this:

1.    nooter bends down
2.    first squirrel whacks nooters behind with rolled up newspaper
3.    nooters head pops up, bumping into an overhanging length of gutter
4.    the bump jars a tennis ball loose, causing it to roll down the length of the gutter
5.    tennis ball bumps into mousetrap in far end of the gutter
6.    mousetrap goes off, launching a crunchy snak which had been perched precariously on the hammer portion of the trap
7.    snak flies through the air past a nearby waiting squirrel, the second one I suppose
8.    said squirrel leaps into air to grab snak as it flies by, leaving its end of a small teetertotter unladen
9.    teetertotter swings up causing slinky at far end to begin its now downward descent
10.    approximately one third of the way down, the slinky passes through the beam of an electronic eye mounted on the teetertotter (they said I could use the garage door opener safety feature for this, that the human wouldnt mind)
11.    the broken beam sends an electrical signal to the now-relocated-to-the-backyard garage door opener which becomes activated and starts to operate
12.    the garage door opener pulls a rope which is attached to a doormat which nooter is standing on
13.    the whisked mat causes nooter to loose his footing and fall down in a heap, knocking over a nearby trash can
14.    a discarded bowling ball rolls out of the trash can along the ground until it bumps into a lightweight table with a mirror and a covered bowl of mixed nuts on the top
15.    the mirror falls over and breaks, and the bowl of nuts topples over, attracting squirrels to come in for a feast
16.    as the squirrels rummage around, one piece of the broken mirror is moved in such a way as to reflect the sunlight toward an overhanging tree branch
17.    the reflected beam hits a string tied to the tree branch, burning through it
18.    the severed string releases a suspended water balloon, causing it to drop on nooters head
19.    nooter gets up and shakes head to get rid of water
20.    sound of collar rattling attracts talkative neighbor lulubelle to come running over to the fence to strike up a lengthy conversation
21.    sight of dog running towards fence prompts spectator bird to flap wings and fly off fencetop toward newly erected perch for safer viewing
22.    bird lands on perch, its weight causing the unstable platform to collapse
23.    collapsing perch allows string to quickly slip through hole in post
24.    receding string forms in a tight noose around birds legs, capturing it alive
25.    nooter proceeds to go ‘Jack Bauer’ on captive bird to uncover location of stolen jerky rawhide chewy treats
26.    the end

have to start collecting the materials now. not sure yet how im going to get that length of gutter down off the roof or get the garage door opener into the backyard…