asked the human what I should write about today and he said “why dont you reminisce about something” and I said “dont know what that means but im not apologizing for anything if thats what youre getting at” and he said “no, it just means remembering something from your past”. thought about that for a bit and remembered something I had to apologize for so today I will tell you the story of the lifted loaf.

a long time ago when I was a pup, youthful indiscretion was a way of life. one evening the human said “its suppertime” and I said “yay!” and we went downstairs and he brought out some kibble and poured a serving then patted me on the head and went back upstairs. heard him rummaging around in the kitchen and was curious to see if there might be a more interesting main course I should save room for, so I figured an investigation was in order. as I started up the stairs, caught sight of him going down the hallway toward the bathroom so when I walked into the kitchen it was vacant.

was immediately grabbed by the most wonderful aroma I ever came across (every bit of food you smell is the most wonderful aroma you ever came across. –ed.) and followed it to the countertop next to the big hot appliance. could tell this sweet scent was coming from up there but couldnt see anything cuz I was still kinda short, so I let my nose lift me up and next thing I knew I was standing(!) with my front paws on the counters edge. there before my eyes was the most beautiful sight ive ever seen (every bit of food you see is the most beautiful sight you’ve ever seen. –ed.).

the key ingredient of a french bread pizza, an entire loaf of french bread, was sitting uncovered on the cutting board; unguarded like a toasted pop tart in the hand of a napping toddler. all I had to do was reach out and grab it and it was mine, but did I dare? did I have the courage and fortitude to go through with it? did I dare risk the wrath of the human in this, the embryonic phase of our friendship? you betcha! I grabbed that sucka in my mouth and was trying to affect a stealthy retreat into the backyard when the human came out of the bathroom and around the corner just in time to catch a glimpse of my flight.

the chase was on! I ran through the basement fast as I could and outside, losing a chunk of bread on the doorframe while passing through. once outside I stopped cuz I was unsure where to go next; this was as far as my original plan had taken me. the human bellowed as he came down the stairs. knowing he would be upon me in a moment I did the only thing I could think to do, began woofing down that loaf of bread like it was my last meal. suddenly a hand closed around the back of my neck and my life, brief as it had been up to that moment, passed before my eyes. frozen with fear, unable to move, I watched as the other hand appeared and swiftly claimed the prize from my mouth.

was quietly escorted back into the basement and left there alone as the human went upstairs, shutting the door behind him. I remember a while later hearing the doorbell and smelling real pizza but I wasnt invited to share that night. I also remember the lesson I learned from that event- once you get ahold of something good you gotta enjoy it fast as you can before someone bigger and stronger comes along and takes it away from you.