Q&A About Your Dog III
hi, its that time of the year again.
time to set your sundials ahead one hour, time to begin fetching baseballs across vast expanses of green, green grass, and time to let you humans in on a few secrets. many of you have mutts for roommates and im sure have questions about occasionally unexplained behavior. why do they stare at the wall when theres nothing there? why do they yell so intensely when nobodys home? why do they eat their own poop yet turn up their noses at banana flavored yogurt? ask me anything you want about doggy deeds and canine conduct and I will see if I can clear things up.
hello, my name is nooter and im listening.
Please help me with toys. Some last forever because the canines just play with them. Others don’t last the day because they are destroyed. (And what is it with squeeky that turns you on?)
Nooter. Why can’t they make balls that we can’t chew up? I love balls and so does Honey but they all get rooned right away when we chew on them.
I don’t eat much poop, but sometimes I do and Honey does every chance she gets. I don’t know why we do it except it makes us feel good.
I peed on mom’s leg one time and I thought it was funny but she got mad. We were at the park and I just was so happy. Why do Mom’s get so mad about fun stuff?
I sometimes chase my tail. Mom and dad made a movie of me chasing my tail. They think it’s funny. I don’t see what’s so funny about it, do you?
Your friend. Harry.
Nooter, I forgot the most important thing. You open the refrigerator, right? Okay, how do you do that? Please tell me. I need to know. Since the vet said I was fat, they are starving me to death here and so it could be a matter of life and death. Your friend. Harry.
Hi does Tazz like to hump the air?
Why does Mocha latch on to Tazz’s ear if she knows he’s gonna bite her butt?
Thanks!
Ah, Nooter, you are SO smart! Do you know anything about cats? Why does my whine to go outside and then immediately want back in?
Sheesh!
gl60: you know, some toys are surrogates for snaks. they can be chewy, like my honey-liverwurst bubble gum would be if my patent application ever gets approved, so you want to work them gently for a long time to really get the most out of the experience. others are like pork chops, you just gotta waste no time eating them or someone looking over your shoulder will snatch them away from you. toy manufacturers prefer us to like those because they are con soomable you have to keep buying another one then another one…
also, some toys have squeeky noises inside them that we control ourselves. i like to pretend those are terrorist squirrels and im jack bauer saving the world:
wheres the bomb?
(squeek!)
i said wheres the bomb?
(squeek!)
tell me or i will cut your heart out!
(squeeeeek!!)
lm: heloooooo linda. they do make balls we cant chew up, theyre called bowling balls (rim shot). rooning toys is a right of passage and lets our humans know we could rise up anytime we really wanted. i mean we could, you know, rise up. if we really wanted. just sayin’….
anywhoo, poop smells like kibble and kibble is yummy so poop must be a close cousin to yummy so lets try it. going to the parks great, like having your first beer, and who didnt pee after their first beer, right?
and the tail. the human once hired my tail to spy on me, gave it a little camera and everything. had to throw a towel over it so i could go through the laundry hamper in peace. tails can be traitors so watch your back (another rim shot).
the frigerators a bit tricky. once when the human wasnt looking i tipped the catchup bottle in the door onto its side so when the door closed it didnt close all the way. then i could nose the door open when he wasnt looking and help him keep his diet. i recommend tipping an item humans dont use much, like that organic mustard vinegar they got over the holidays.
b: hey b! youve heard of air guitar right? tazz is practicing air porn. all the kids are doing it now, just watch a music video and youll see. as for mocha, well shes probably nagging him to do his chores like get up and go through the trash, or take the clothes out of the dryer, or lick the dirty dishes, or finish that arguement with the vacuum cleaner or, ahem, water the plants. theyre just acting like an old married couple thats all.
rg: youre kidding right? there is absolutely no rhyme or reason to what cats do, theyre like furry little roobix cubes or furry little can openers or furry little girl humans. i suggest putting the cat outside along with a roobix cube and a can opener and tell them to work it out among themselves cuz only one is getting back inside later. then move to another house.
Nooter thank you for all that good information. If you come to Mom’s sight, we have a reward for you to pick up. It’s something like a snak I think.
mmmm… sunshine snaks….
Hey Nooter, what is up with the crotch sniffing? Sure is embarrasing when company comes over.
Hey, I just want an answer to that poop vs. yogurt question.
hello nooter its dennis the vizsla dog hay i hav an inordinat feer of things wot mayk a hi pitchd beep why is that??? ok bye
m: we want to see if youre having more fun than we are (snicker). seriously, training with snaks is great so were always on the lookout for trainable (read:snakable) situations.
you want us to:
* stop sniffing crotches?
* stop making long distance prank calls?
* stop updating your facebook page with pics of you when youve been sick for two days?
train us with snaks!
k: ok lets examine our choices.
poop traces its roots back to kibble and kibble is yummy, so were good there.
yogurt is made from spoiled milk, and i dont know anybody who likes spoiled milk.
bananas are a practical joke; theyre slimy and mushy and smell like theyve been in a funky gym bag for two weeks.
so, which would you rather snak on, refried kibble or spoiled milk left in a gym bag?
dthev: hi dennis. dont fret, its your natural instinct warning you not to get run over by a large truck backing up in your direction. now if only humans would beep like that when theyre walking down dimly lit hallways there would be a lot less accidental stompings.
We used to have three doggies. Why did one disappear to have a poop, one always tried to poop on top of a bush and one hardly pooped at all?
Hahahaha! Air porn! Hahahahaha ::falls off chair::
dp: hmmmm, sounds like possible substance abuse issues here. first youve got the one whose become reclusive, secretive, fearful of being caught in the act. next youve got the outrageous behavior associated with an addict. and last youve got the one whose apparently in withdrawl and trying to separate themself from their previous behavior.
counciling would be useful, along with a trip to your nearest methadone clinic and of course, a review of all their little friends for ‘bad influences’.
b: boom-chica-waa-waa!
Why does my dog NutJob show her teeth when I say the word “ears”?
Why do they stare at the wall? Stanley does that all the time.
Why are fire works so scary? Stanley hides in the shower when he hears them, even if a human is using the shower, and Stanley doesn’t like to get wet.
Speaking of that, it took us three years to get him to walk on the dock at the lake, he still won’t play with the other dogs in the lake. Is he really a cat?
d: ahhh, if someone told you ‘beers’ wouldnt that put a grin on your face? or maybe she heard ’sneers’ and shes hoping to be rewarded with a snak for being creative
j: hey j. well, if you sit real quiet and listen carefully you can hear mice moving about inside the wall singing ‘cheeseburger in paradise’. hes probably trying to figure out how to get in there to this paradise.
fireworks? thats no civil display, thats war! and war is scary and loud.
im sure stanleys no cat; probably saw ‘jaws’ on late night pay-per-view as a pup and is remembering that lesson well, no snak required!
Nooter, my Mom’s grandson named Cyrus wonders if you would take the SATs for him. Your friend. Harry.
sits, sats, lay downs, roll overs, i will do (almost) anything for a snak
Why does Sable back away or even bark at other humans?
Why does she follow me around the house when i turn on the stereo or the oven? Why does all 65lbs of her want to be in my lap when she hears the pop-up blocker on the computer?
hi siren! sable has trust issues with strangers, its a survival instinct. thats why shes cautious around others, especially the ones who wont share their snaks.
when you turn on the stereo and oven she knows youre planning a dinner party and she want to be certain shes on the guest list.
bet that popup blocker sounds like something else, like maybe the the timer that goes off when dinners ready!
that explains so much Nooter, thanks!