Doctor Dread
today im in hiding.
the human said when he gets home were going to go to the vet-narian. hate going to the vet-narian, that guys a petophile, I just know it. hes always groping and poking and asking ‘hows that feel?’ with a big grin on his face. creep. and he has all these animal magazines in his office. who has animal magazines? dont regular humans have magazines about cars and sports and hobbies and guns and girl humans and stuff?
first thing they do is get all jenny craig on you and make you get on a scale. ‘oh, hes becoming a fat little sausage’. no, im a bit irregular today thats all, and I will thank you not to announce that to the entire waiting room.
then they put you into one of those tiny little interrogation rooms with the metal table they keep at 32 degrees. swell, bring on the electrical shock and waterboarding too, I will never admit to eating the last slice of pizza out of the fridge.
can always hear the prisoners wailing in the back rooms:
‘get me out of here’
‘I don’t want to die like this’
‘mommy’
they take a sample of blood for ‘testing’ but I know whats really up with that. they put that blood into a government database and when something happens they want to blame me for, they take some out and smear it on the crime scene so my dna is there. then they inject me with long needles of some unknown substances that have unpronounceable names but I know whats up with that too; its secret government experiments. probably trying to make one of my ears grow longer than the other or change my voice to a cats or a birds.
when the vet-narian puts that little stick in my butt its like being probed by aliens. ‘need to know what your temperature is’ he says. whats my butt got to do with that? if im panting then im hot, if im shivering then im cold, otherwise im fine. that butt stick thingy seems like tmi to me.
know im not the only one who feels this way, none of the others in the waiting room likes being there either. everyones grumpy or stressed out. its like trying to make friends with someone at a funeral.
about the only good thing that comes out of it is I get some new bling for my collar. wonder what color itll be this year. theres got to be an easier way to accessorize
Sorry you have to go to the vet, but it’s for your own good. No one likes a dog with rabies all foamy and everything. New bling is good and if the doctor is any good he will give you some treats after the butt probe.
Hopefully you will get a treat and your human will be extra nice. Maybe the stick up the butt will help you get regular again too. Always look for a bright side Nooter. Great post, I needed a good laugh.
Have you been eating too many snacks Nooter? …. and yes, it is possible to eat too many snacks before you say anything ……
You are not alone. NutJob becomes a canine mop at the vet’s. They just pull her leash and drag her over the linoleum floor into the interrogation room and I get a discount ’cause she cleans the floor.
A petophile? Oh, Nooter. Maybe you should tell the human you want a GIRL vet. Then you might not mind the poking and prodding quite so much.
Nooter, I feel your pain. My doctor is a woman and she sticks that thing up my butt too. It takes Mom and Dad to make me hold still. First they put me on that way you thing and say I way too much. (Not good to tell Mom that because she takes away my snaks then. Dad still sneaks me snaks but he’s kinda fat too.) After this vet-a-narin (however you spell that) pokes and feels me all over they take me to the back room. They put a thing on my mouth so I can hardly breathe and then they stick me with needles and stuff. I usually poop and pee on them too because I’m so mad about the whole thing. Mom always says, “oh Harry, it wasn’t that bad”. Yes it was. Your friend Harry.
Nooter. Is that guy a pet a file? Do you mean he files you too? I have never been filed and I don’t want to be. It’s bad enuf getting my nails cut. Your friend Harry.
Next week we have to take Mocha and Tazz for their annual check ups. Tazz usually has to be muzzled because he loves vet fingers. Be thankful you are not a girl dog because you don’t want to know where the puppies come out of.
Nooter, I am sorry you had to endure such terrible tortures! I hope you got many treats to make up for it.
Bwahaha. petophile. Bwahaha. Nooter, you’re so funny. Sorry you must suffer such humility.
We don’t have those doctors. They don’t like to see goats. But the male person does all those nasty things to me if I am sick.
So I try to not get sick.
I came to your blog because my Aunt Jen told me you were funny. She is right.
Do you like goats?
My FAVORITE far side cartoon is the car with the dog hanging out the window, happily telling the dog outside, “I’m going to the vet to get tutored!” Did you get smarter when you went to the vet?
Nooter, just do what my boy Simon does…throw up in the car on the way. You’ll still have to go, but your humans will feel super sorry for you and give you a treat when you get home.