on the ninth day of each month I shall post a list about something I believe to be, to quote a famous crooner*, “..of great social and political import.” each list will cover items of a particularly relevant nature and assist my generous readers in leading better, more productive and fulfilling lives.

at the park the other day some of my friends were exchanging views on various myths like all dogs go to heaven (we hope), and whether a wooden table leg has more nutritional value than a tv remote control. with that in mind, thought id share a few of my favorites with you. so without further ado (que the tada music):

Nine Canine Myths Examined

1. myth: the human will always have a snak for me. want to believe it so badly but it just isnt true. every time I see the human I sniff his hand first thing to see if im about to get lucky but more often than not its empty. in fact waaaaay too often. busted

2. myth: there is something life changing buried under the lawn in the backyard, I just gotta find it. I smell smells, I hear high pitched sounds, I feel the slightest of tremors under my feet, at least I think I do. theres a mysterious hatch buried out there, im sure of it. unconfirmed

3. myth: aliens are living among us. was watching this parade on tv a few weeks ago and if youd seen what I seen then youd agree, this is… confirmed

4. myth: the very next time I try to steal food off the humans plate it will be allowed. this myth must be true. it has to be true. like any good scientist, I will keep running this experiment over and over to be absolutely sure of the results. theres just got to be a different outcome, it cant possibly turn out the same every single time. until then… busted

5. myth: postal workers are secret government spies. once in my early days I was out and about on a recon mission ‘round the hood and one of these ‘pillars of the community’ called the cops on me. a sandman came and lassoed me and took me off to jail in a little cage in back of a truck. it smelled like pee. confirmed

6. myth: all shoes are for chewin’ on. turns out some are just for lookin’ at. busted

7. myth: when the human leaves in the morning, hes going to the park without me. used to believe this one vehemently but now im not so sure. he says he doesnt go to the park but I dont put much stock in that, humans are known liars. when he comes back, he doesnt smell like the park, more like coffee and office equipment. and his shoes smell like carpet cleaner, not goose poo. and he certainly never brags about all the running and splashing and playing, which would be extremely hard not to do. still…  unconfirmed

8. myth: eating rocks is good for your digestion. weve all heard this one but im here to report that a fellow I know was trying to improve his digestion, trying a lot, and his humans had to take him into the hospital for a bad tummy ache. plus he was gaining weight. kids, dont try this at home. busted

9. myth: humans are hypersensitive to a cold wet nose on the back of their neck when theyre napping on the sofa on a weekend afternoon after theyve been out partying the night before. umm…confirmed

*Janis Joplin - Mercedes Benz