so the human got new shoes yesterday. new black shoes. new black leather shoes. oh boy! but then he said im not supposed to touch them. wha… ? theres even two of them and he wont share. thats like grandma baking cookies and then saying theyre all for her, you just dont do that. disappointment hung on my shoulders like saddlebags filled with coal.

he says they were replacements for the other pair he had. says he cant wear those any more cuz someone got black paint all over them, then he gave me one of those looks. black paint on black shoes, like whos gonna notice that except a shoe critic and how many of those do you see every day? then a thought occurred… the saddlebags suddenly became filled with sunlight… asked if I could have the old pair since he wasnt going to use them anymore and you know what he said? he said no. back to coal. bastard.

asked why not and he said it would lead to too much confusion about which black leather shoes I could have and which ones I couldnt. theres no confusion I told him; I can have the ones I have and cant have the other ones I have, or dont have, cuz theyre not the ones im supposed to have. only the ones are mine that im supposed to have that I have, and the black leather ones too, I understand. we looked at each other silently for a few moments…  then he said dont touch the new shoes and got up and went into his bedroom to put them away.

couldnt stop thinking about those new black leather shoes last night so I went into his bedroom where he was sleeping. know he was sleeping cuz he snores with his mouth open when hes sleeping. sounds like im taking a midnight tour through a hog factory or leaving a biker bar at closing time. anyways, last night while he was sleeping I snuck into his bedroom and into the closet and borrowed one of those new shoes. now I know what youre thinking, youre thinking ‘oh nooter youre going to get in trouble’, but not this time. he said dont touch the shoe so I was careful to pick it up by the shoe lace, and then I brought it outside. after all, im all about risk management.

was laying there with this new shoe between my paws and trying to figure out how I was going to approach this. know what I want to do and know the humans going to get mad about it and dont want the human to get mad at me, but just look at it – glistening in the moonlight and with that new chew toy smell thats sooo irresistible. my tongue was getting sweaty and I started having false starts, where I put my mouth around it in different places but didnt bite down. what should I do?

do humans ever have problems like this? where you want something you know youre not supposed to have cuz you will get in trouble and get your television and snak privileges taken away? how do you handle it? how do you have your shoe and eat it too?

im open to suggestions here…