on the ninth day of each month I shall post a list about something I believe to be, to quote a famous crooner*, “..of great social and political import.” each list will cover items of a particularly relevant nature and assist my generous readers in leading better, more productive and fulfilling lives.

was on the internet looking at job openings and surfing n’ stuff and kept seeing things named after important individuals like dollar-Bill and water-Lily and cuppa-Joe and place-Matt and Brooke-trout, and I said to my self, I said “self, why cant I have something important named after me” and when I didnt answer I knew that was the dawn of a great new idea. or id forgotten what the question was. so without further ado (que the tada music):

Nine Things that Should Be Named After Me (nooter):

1. a home appliance. was thinkin something that makes bacon flavored smoothies by the gallon would be a good choice, but I could also live with a trash uncompactor or a leather shoe dispenser. it would be called the noot-o-matic. no whizzing automatic toenail clippers, if you please.

2. I want an iphone app named after me. when selected, it would whine if you went anywhere without it and would display big sad puppy eyes during previously programmed meal times until you spilled some food on it. would call that the i-noot.

3. a home security strategy. could patent my tactic of running from one side of the house to the other, barking loudly all the while, leading passers-by to believe there are one hundred or more ferocious guards here and its best if they just move on. call it secure-noot.

4. somebodys baby, anybodys. I just want to have a lasting legacy. (sniff)

5. obviously naming a snak after me is a no brainer. ive done so much study and market research I feel I know this industry like the back of my paw. these snaks would be at the same time both crunchy and chewy, sweet and salty. wholesome ingredients like ham sandwiches, chex cereal and real tree bark would be used, and they would be considered ‘green’ for their inclusion of recycled kibble. they would be named nooter’s good-time snakilicious treats.

6. a statue in the park. lotsa statues in parks everywhere, wheres mine? it would be named st. nooter of course, cuz all statues are st. something-or-other. would also need a second statue of me watching the first statues back to keep those pesky birds away. hmmm, then that statue would need a bird-shooing statue, and….

7. a new planet, or at least a comet. whens plutos permit run out on his planet?

8. absolutely the biggest and bestest squirrel trap ever. oh it would have cannons and nets and daggers and a tiger pit and a chainsaw-wielding robot and lawrence welk on loudspeakers and machine guns and mothra and lots of red ants and some yucky tasting medicine and a terminator and bombs, lotsa bombs, and a few small items which may pose a choking hazard. its called nooter’s squirrel-away and would be available for a limited time for only $19.95.

9. a particular aroma (as suggested by the human). he says it would be a combination of wet hair, poopy diapers, halitosis and the smell of fear. im not sure I like that. he says it would be called nootaroma and I could put it in candles and sell them on etsy.com. hmmm….

*Janis Joplin – Mercedes Benz